13/4/2012

as an update, i did reach day 107. i gave up tons of time before that and right now i’m currently on day 2.

everything is like trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger.

to give up or not.

102 days clean.

i didnt.

idk why.

i just realized i have like 1 friend.

if they didnt like me so much. they should have just aborted me. why the fuck do i have to suffer with existing.

if my brother is just that fucking important to them. they could have gave me up for adoption since they’d rather keep my brother.

my life isn’t even mine. my life is full of attempts to earn the love of other people. it’s as if my life goal is to find someone to love and appreciate me for me. to never give up on me.

idk.

i just dont know what imd oing anymore.

9/4/2012

yo im 100 days clean.
amaznng right. omg yeah. just wait till i confess. but not today. not tmrw. omg. sldajf;asdjfadlfj

im so bad. but really.. all i want is for everyone to love me again. for them to feel proud like i’ve come a long way. but it’s all a lie. im a horrible friend. i just let people down.

7/4/2012

98 days clean.

Why don’t I feel goddamn accomplished. My last record was only 60 and this is more than 1.5x that.

Maybe it’s because I’ve become the most fake one sided person ever.

I’m so sad. So sad. I remember that when I used to be sad, I used to rant about it for hours and hours.

Now it’s like I barely admit it to myself.

I barely speak sentences to my parents.

Did I mention that I know like a girl?

I’m not sure what else to say. I’ve lost my way of wording my feelings. A year ago I was an absolute bother.

Now I’m disgustingly everything I didn’t want to be.

No wait. I’m back. Rewriting this.
He left a few months ago and I wish I can say time has healed its wounds but no. That’s not the case. More like I’ve learned to not complain about it every single day. After my friend said he didn’t want me bringing cutting up with him.. I decided to avoid talking about it with everyone. I guess he was right. I complain too much. My life isn’t all too bad. I probably sound pathetic every single time I open my heart to someone. I know I believe in karma and everything but I would like to know what I did in what life to deserve this.

I’m almost at 100 days. Something tells me that as soon as I reach another low when I pass 100, I’ll just reach for the blade again. I have some very nice blades now in that hidden place. Very sharp and so tempting.

21/3/2012

81 days clean.

who want s to give up
me!!

BUT THEN I HAVE DOCTOR CHECK UP NEXT WEEK DAAAAAAANG IT.

6/3/2012

66 days clean. ok technically its actually the 7th of march and im 67 days clean but.. thats too techinical.

i feel rotten for telling the truth

absolutely rotten and guilt ridden. im shoving myself back into that weird pit aren’t i? where i was last year. before i told people i cut.. im doing it again. im doing that thing where i keep secrets. i wanna say something. i do. but every time i try to say something all i feel is guilt. because i know im being an attention whore while others have bigger problems.

i have the urge to throw up from the amount of guilt sitting in my stomach. its all my fault. he left because of me. i always knew it was my fault. stupid me. im a pathetic stupid mistake.

5/3/2012

65 days clean ~

cutting/ I picked up that blade and pressed it then paused. I realized what I was doing and so my mind wandered to other people’s reactions. What I realized was that, I cared too much. Part of me wanted to lie. Just cut and not tell anyone and to keep the number growing. I looked at the blade and fantasized all the beautiful cuts I can make and the image of the blood flowing made me feel so tempted.So so tempted. Sigh. I realized what I was doing and put it away. I don’t care about how much I think I need it. I don’t. Somewhere inside me I know I don’t need it. I’ll get too carried away. Line after line, place after place. First my arm, then my hip, then my leg. Wouldn’t I love that? It’s almost.. seducing. I hid it back into its compartment and wondered why. Why didn’t I just cut? Other than disappointment.. I’m not sure how I managed to put it down.

I need an alternative to cutting. Something new. ajlsdfladsjfsdjf;;a;dd

2/3/2012

62 days clean. Interesting.

cutting/ The days go buy extremely slowly. Extremely slowly. Sometimes I catch myself making secretive plans to do it. My imagination is quite uncontrollable.. I don’t see so much death as I used to last year but cutting is still the same. My scars have faded a lot.. only a few remain and those were the old ones that were bad. It’s like a friend has disappeared. Sometimes this friend reminds me of my past mistakes and sometimes this friend feels like the only that understands me. That’s how I feel about my scars. But I’m never the type to show my scars with pride.. I just can’t do it? It’s so shameful. Especially with people’s judging glances at my arm. I know what they think. Pathetic. Weak. Label after label. Even if they’re not voicing them.. it’s in their heads.

lulz that was so srs.

today/ Today was the student walkout here in Vancouver. It was an interesting experience to go there, feel the crowd and hear what people have to say. I was supposed to perform a song but turned out all performances were cancelled. I don’t mind to be honest not performing cause when I got there I saw how people actually cared about the issues and weren’t there just for entertainment. ‘Cause you know.. it’s a protest. Me singing bubbly is just so .. not in there. No offense to myself but I think I sound bad too.. like real bad. To see all those students, consisting of mostly high school students just stand out in front of the art gallery in the cold wet rain seems incredible. I’m also proud of my classmates for creating such a protest bringing in thousands of students to stand against the government. Afterwards I just went to the library with one of my friends to work on a biology project. Tommy said me and her were awkward peoples. I agree.

I thought about Ryan excessively. I don’t want him in my life like that. All this thinking makes me realize I really like having him distant from me. He was always meant to be my friend’s brother. Nothing more, nothing less.

27/2/2012

58 days clean.

Current Song: Echo - Jason Walker.

I hate how long it takes for me to process my feelings. Yesterday I suppressed all of my emotions away. I tried to pretend like I didn’t feel them because my poor mother was sobbing away behind me. I had gotten to see my brother finally. 72 days since he’s left and honestly.. I say that one second makes a difference.. but it doesn’t.

Nothing can fill up the gap I feel inside of me. It’s ironic really.. how outside of this house I can be so different. In reality, I’m not the only one this applies too but I wish I can be that person. At school I’m known for my maniacal laughter and upbeat attitude and to tell you the truth.. sometimes I think I can’t stop laughing cause of all the pain. To fill in this void I just start laughing and it ends up being unstoppable. Anything. Desperation. Laughter can be so real yet so deceiving.

26/2/2012

57 days clean. 3 days till I beat my record.

i’m a jumble of emotions. anger. sadness. nostalgia. weak. it had been 72 days since i had seen you and today.

today i saw you.

it was just one second. that one second i saw you through the window means so much to me. i’m angry at you for causing everyone so much pain but i myself miss you so much. i will hold in everything that hurts and stay strong for my mother. she’s already crying her eyes out behind me and me.. being an awkward family member can’t even help her. least i can do is make it look like i’m doing okay without him. it’ll help her. when she sees me cry i know it’ll make hurt her even more.